Jenna’s Insomnia

Grant Me Your Heart

Just as the color blue holds its hue for the eye to see
Just as white, pure light blinds the soul to sin
I see You in all Your glory
All cry “Holy”

Make my eyes see indescribable beauty
Force my eyes to see injustice and the need
Pull my eyes to the nature of the cross
Let my gaze fall in Your presence
Grant me Your eyes
Grant me Your eyes

Just as the ocean’s roar none can withstand
Just as a baby’s cry can pull down mountains
I hear You in all Your pain
Cry out “Lord, please forgive them”

Make my ears hear indescribable beauty
Force my ears to hear injustice and the need
Pull my attention to the nature of the cross
Let my ears take in Your presence
Grant me Your ears
Grant me Your ears

Just as the butterfly’s wings give the barest kisses
Just as the water runs cleansing the body
I feel You in all Your loving
Crooning “For I so loved the world…”

Make my heart feel indescribable beauty
Force my heart to feel injustice and the need
Pull my heart to the nature of the cross
Let my heart feel Your presence
Grant me Your heart
Grant me Your heart

(Romans 1.20)

I know I sound in control and calm on the phone
But deep inside, my heart cries just to hear your voice
Left to look at photos of your crazy, goofy face
And wonder if I can ever be good enough

All I want is for you to pick up the phone
And need to hear the song playing nonstop in my heart
I’ll sing for you and hope it means something
Hope I can be what you need

God is my witness as I lay here and cry
He’s the rock I’m clinging to, this and every night
Though there’s no one who can take His place
You help me glorify His Wondrous Name, you help me

And if by chance you hear this song
Or see these wrenching words on a screen
I wish I could be with you right now
So I could persuade you to love me

God he’s amazing, please don’t let me lose him
If I go through this pain again, I won’t survive
I know You don’t work through hypnosis or love potions
But please don’t let me lose what could be my other side

I would sing for you the song in my heart
Would you listen intently to hear every word
Please let me sing for you the song in my heart
Listen intently and know every word

I would sing for you

You’re making me random throughout the day
Wondering just what kind of steps you’re taking
You’re making me random wondering what you’re thinking
Every time I open these poop-colored eyes

It isn’t fair that the idea of you
Seems quite comfortable amidst my thoughts
As if your existence is not foreign
But something very natural

How can I be strong and courageous
When my knees go weak, and I can barely stand
Must I be required to submit to my heart
What gives it the right to govern the whispers in my mind

If I am forced to feel these things
Is it unkind of me to wish for you the same torture
Unfortunately, I am not so polite
Although I can’t bear the thought of your pain

Well, maybe I will tuck away this schitzophrenic talk
And return to the realism that plagues our world
I will return to my prayers for open doors
And silently yearn to have the desire of His heart

Here I go again…being random

I apply the perfect concoction
To make me look beautiful
I match myself to the magazine
But something’s still missing

So I wash my face again
Let the mask stream down
Fall on my knees again
As I throw down this crown
That the world has placed on my head
I wash my face again

Pour on the water of life and love
Let it wash away this facade
Only me before You now
Take the coal and purify me, God

As I wash my face again
Let the mask stream down
Fall on my knees again
As I throw down this crown
That the world has placed on my head
I wash my face again
Let the mask stream down
Fall on my knees again
As I throw down this crown
That the world has placed on my head
I wash my face again

It felt so wrong, but I did it anyways
The guilt coursed through me day after day
If I had just reached out my hand
Maybe I would’ve found someone who understands

I wish I had asked for help
That was offered everywhere
I wish I had asked for help to stand
I wish I had asked for forgiveness
I wish I had…

I was distressed and broken
If only I had spoken
A word of repentance, a word of trust
If I could go back, I wouldn’t give up

I wish I had shared with a friend
I wish I had followed God’s will
I took my life as I gained speed
I wish I had…

As I slip away, thinking about what’s been done
I know I didn’t look to the Almighty, Maker, Holy One

I wish I had believed
In things I couldn’t see
I wish I had believed
Enough to be a part
Of miracles that happened so faithfully

I wish I had the faith to be
(November 2008)

A widow without her love
To brighten the lonely days
Her outer face puts on a show
While inside she’s filled with pain

I thought I was strong
I thought I had battles to fight
Victories I thought were great
Became so small
I thought I had endured
The darkest of dark times
I thought the days were long
When I thought I was strong

The scared, wounded soldier
Crying for his home
Nightmares to fill his dreams
Without an understanding soul

God I thought my life was tough
How could I be so self-absorbed
If only I had felt half of their pain
Maybe I wouldn’t be on a pedestal

I thought I was strong
I thought I had battles to fight
Victories I thought were great
Became so small
I thought I had endured
The darkest of dark times
I thought the days were long
When I thought I was strong

Break me, God
Break me so I can crawl back to You
Break me, O God
Break me and make me new

Make me strong

The Bible spoke of love
Knowing It’s truth
I should’ve steered clear of you
Now I’m stuck
In this hole I’ve dug
Not admitting it’s you

Thought I had built
Walls that would last
And not let anyone through
But you held the key
To the lock that I made
In case someone got through

But who is there
To sing this to
Since there’s nobody
How long will I sing this
For how many days
This song to nobody

God take this heart and mold it into a cross
God take this passion and focus it on You
Before I make big mistake
That can only widen the gap
Between your hand and mine
Between you and I

More handsome than the prince
More alluring than the damsel
No other can compete
For this love you’ve given me

You’re the Lover of my soul
My silver and my gold
The Light that makes the sun shine bright
You’re my Father and my Friend
More than any other man
The one true Love of my life
Of my soul

God take this heart and mold it into a cross
God take this passion and focus it on You
Before I make big mistake
That can only widen the gap
Between your hand and mine
Between you and I

More handsome than the prince
More alluring than the damsel
No other can compete
For this love you’ve given me

You’re the Lover of my soul
My silver and my gold
The Light that makes the sun shine bright
You’re my Father and my Friend
More than any other man
The one true Love of my life
Of my soul

What if it wasn’t about the next meal
But about the next sandwich to be given
What if it wasn’t about perfection
But about those needing forgiveness
What if I took my eyes off of my problems
And settled them on those with nothing
What if I forgot my anguish
And soothed the sorrows of others
What if I died to myself
And allowed Jesus to take over

Would it be so hard to discontinue this self-pity
And stand by the side of the needy
Can I hold up in the real world
Where my sorrows may drown me
Or allow myself to retain citizenship
In a place where He loves me

What if I didn’t dwell on things that might happen
But tried to have a key role in making things happen
I’m done with this pity party
I can rely on God to heal me
Let nothing stand in His way
The path set out for me

Not even pain, doubt, sorrow, confusion, grief, frustration, guilt
All these cannot stand against Love